Private Eye - Part 1/Script
''Opening Sequence'' :Amir: Hi, you're watching the award-winning Jake and Amir. :Jake: What award? :Amir: Great question: Best Supporting Actress. :Jake: Not true. Episode :(Ben yanks Amir into a private room) :Ben: Okay, I did everything you asked me to do. Alright, I found out all the information— :Amir: Who are you? :Ben: I'm the private eye you hired. :Amir: No, you don't look anything look him, I'm sorry. You're not the pr— :(Ben unbuttons one button of his shirt) :Amir: Oh! There are you are. I didn't recognize you with your shirt like that. :Ben: I'm a master of disguise. :Amir: Alright, so what did you find out? :Ben: Okay, so you told me to follow Drake and find out all of his likes and dislikes— :Amir: Well, not his dislikes, okay. I'm not paying you for his dislikes. :(Ben lifts Amir up against the wall by his neck) :Ben: YOU ARE PAYING ME FOR THE DISLIKES! OKAY? DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING? :(Amir nods and Ben lets him go) :Ben: Jeez Christ, oh Myin. Oh mishvach. :Amir: No. :Ben: Hey, if you refer me to one of your friends or something like that, don't bring up that I choked you. :Amir: I might not be able to refer you, because you do choke— :(Ben lifts Amir up by his crotch) :Ben: YOU WILL REFER ME! RIGHT? :Amir: Yes I'll refer you! :Ben: AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA BE MY FRIEND ON LINKEDIN! :Amir: Okay, I'll be your friend on LINKEDIN! :Ben: YOU'RE GONNA BE MY BEST FRIEND ON LINKEDIN! :Amir: I don't know if there's a setting being your best friend— :(Ben puts Amir down) :Ben: Ahh I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I just get fiery hot with .... I gotta take my medicine. :(Ben pours candy into his mouth) :Amir: No. Oh my... Is that what you think the M stands for? :Ben: One of them. One of them stands for "medicine", I don't know what the other one stands for. Maybe "Maybelline"? Maybe it's Maybellime! By the way, when I was feeling around your balls, right? You may have testicular cancer. :Amir: Why? :Ben: Cause you have more balls than you need, man. :Amir: I have two balls. I have two balls, and that's good. :Ben: No. :Amir: That's how many you're supposed to have. You're supposed to have two. :Ben: Can you feel my balls? :(Amir feels his balls) :Amir: You have one. :Ben: F**k. :Amir: Yeah. Anyway do you have like a li— :Ben: Stop, shh shh. We can't talk about anything, this place might be bugged. Okay? :Amir: By who? :Ben: You wouldn't know. (Puts a cloth over Amir's mouth) Let's just sleep. Sleep like a baby. ---- :(Amir wakes up sitting in a chair. Ben is in front of him, scaring him by putting a balloon with a face on it in front of his face.) :Ben: (Putting the balloon away) It's a balloon, it's a balloon. :Amir: What happened? What time is it? Where am I? What did you do? :Ben: Time doesn't matter, but lemme tell you this: you cannot be trusted in that other room. :Amir: Then why didn't you just ask me to leave? I would have walked out with you. And why is my hand down my pants?! :Ben: Because that way you know that my hand isn't down your pants. If your hand is— :Amir: Didn't you have to put your hand down when you put my hand down? :Ben: Can you tilt your head back real quick? And then inhale. :(Amir complies, and Ben throws a cloth over his face) ---- :(Amir wakes up on a table, and Ben goes on top of him) :Amir: Oh my god. Why two hands? :Ben: Y2K? You remember that a couple months back? Listen, I printed out all of Drake's likes. You study those, he's gonna be best friends with you. Okay? :Amir: Okay. :(Ben puts the printout on Amir's chest) :Ben: All you need to do. You ready? :Amir: Yeah. :Ben: You ready to get a new best friend? :Amir: I'm ready. :Ben: I'm ready to get a new best friend! Say it with me: :Both: I'm ready to get a new best friend! :Ben: It's a great day! :Both: I'm ready to get a new best friend! :Amir: It's a great day! :Ben: Fantastic! I'm gonna go to the bathroom, okay? :Amir: Okay. :Ben: Okay. (Puts a cloth over Amir's mouth) ''Outro'' :(Ben leaves a bathroom stall, puts Amir's, who is asleep on the sinks, hand down his pants, and leaves)